October 22, 2004
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Master Ace says:
write another ticket if ya have any left
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I must have ate a grenade because I just blew up the toilet. Those of you who know me physically know that my digestive system is rated A-1. It's fast, man. Kinda like those funky Ferrari automobiles I keep reading about.
Sometimes I get this diarrhea type shit and it just spurts out in a bad way. By bad, I don't mean good. I mean spreads the hell out.
I doubt any of you use the toilet brush as much as I do, but I doubt you're as sexy as I am, too.
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My cousin and his wife are in labor right now. He's been calling me non-stop because I have to handle his accounts at work. Fridays are always tough, but today it was tougher than tough. Kind of like a dry pussy, but with less of a pay off.
Everytime he calls me, it sounds like they're having a fucking party or something. It's like they're on the beach. Is this how labor is? Laughing it off like they're on a tropical paradise tour, drinking mojitos and looking at nekkid chicks.
Logic tells me that they are sitting in a hospital room, the wife is on drugs, and the nekkid chick has something coming out of her birth canal. But fuck logic. He's an asshole who left me for another guy.
Wait a minute.
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I need a tropical paradise or just a mojito. Or maybe I just need a night out. What's there to do in Houston? You know, besides brothels. They work me so hard in there and pay me like shit. Frankly, I'm tired of it. I'm also tired of Frank Lee. You'd think a tiny Asian penis wouldn't hurt so much.
Wait a second.
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This he-bitch persona just does not work for me. I could never be an actor. Have you guys heard about Ang Lee's new movie? It's got homosexual shit in it. That role is not for me. I'd ruin it.
INT. TENT - NIGHT
JAKE GYLLYILLYENHALL starts a warm fire and takes off his shirt. HEATH LEDGER rubs vaseline on his butt hole.
PETER YEAHRIGHTMYNAMEGOESHERE looks for food in a knapsack.
PETER
Damn! Where's the fucking food bag? I'd fuck a cow for a Mars bar right now.
Jake and Heath give each other the queer eye. Peter starts to rummage through another knapsack. A gigantic dildo falls out.
JAKE GYLLYILLYENHALL
Me and Jake were wondering...
HEATH LEDGER
...if you wanted to have a sex sandwich.
Peter cringes as if he just ate seventy-two Super Lemons.
PETER
Ummm. Uhhhhhhh. Well. Don't take this the wrong way, I mean you guys are gay, I mean beautiful and all, but--
HEATH LEDGER
For the twentieth time, the line is, "Super."
JAKE GYLLYILLYENHALL
I hate you!
Jake shoves his finger into Peter's chest while tweaking his own nipple. Ang Lee throws a dragon at Peter.
Peter dies.
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The formatting is off. But I'm lazy. And that makes me manly.
Comments (7)
lol. you're hilarious man
hahAHAHA... you're right, tahnks
i really appreciate the way you come up with sex-related analogies for just about everything. "tougher than tough. like a dry pussy." i'll have to remember that the next time i get some action (ie, it would be perfectly safe for me to forget that forever).
now your cousin's having a baby and i'm getting baby envy again. maybe i should go swallow a watermelon. that's got to feel about the same, no?
Hmmm fridays at work suck don't they? i work at a hollywood video and it is just like the stereotypes you see on tv . . . i work with a whole bunch of lazy dumbasses and i do all the work even when we have a 15 person line lol. . . . and your little movie thing sounds like the ken kaniff skit from the marshall mathers lp . . . ew lol
ew that toilet shit is nasty!!! i wanted to stop reading, but i can't. you're xanga is like my drug. i can't stop reading it. it's addicting. why? CAUSE YOU'RE SO DAMN FUNNY!
ahahhaha can I be in the movie? -I promise i'll bring my own vaseline... *cough cough* -Uh I mean, I'll go BUY some vaseline, I don't OWN any, for what good would that be for... (besides rubbing assholes I mean) -Um... COUGH COUGH GO AWAY
gross dude... gross.... nonetheless... eprops!
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