November 1, 2004

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  Useless. Wearing a t-shirt in a torrential downpour is absolutely useless.

  
  

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  I was watching the Niners get killed when the first wave of trick-o-treaters came by the house. These little fuckers don't even try anymore, do they? Half of them weren't wearing costumes, which ultimately made me feel silly for 'dressing' up in mine.

  
  

  What is it with kids these days? They seem to have too much pride to do potentially embarassing things. I know that I would not be the marvelous male specimen that I am today without the embarassments that I have amassed over twenty three wasted years.

  
  

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  I'm not sure what my most embarassing moment is. There are so many to choose from. One time, when I was nine, I flirted with a girl that I really liked. Except she wouldn't have called it flirting. She would have called it insulting.

  
  

  At the time, I was almost as sophisticated as a WWF wrestler. It was great. I thought that to be flattering I had to act like Hacksaw Jim Duggin.

  
  

  Boy was I wrong.

  
  

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  In celebration of all the great events that have been happening in my life recently and partly due to intoxication provided by fine scotch whiskey, I decided to be the Hulk for halloween. I bought some green body paint and purple spandex shorts because they make me feel macho.

  
  

  The thing about body paint is that if you don't apply it smoothly it begins to clump up. So instead of showcasing my two only nipples, I had seven. Including four on my back. They weren't symmetrical, but I assure you they were pointy.

  
  

  My cousin had a camera and giggled while taking pictures. I'd show the pictures to you, but I don't want you to think any less of me. He's not talking to me, anyway. I destroyed the memory card by shoving it up his butt.

  
  

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  What makes this Halloween truly weird is my other Grandma's birthday, which is Halloween. Friday was also the anniversary of my Grandfather's death, and I guess next year it'll be my Grandma's, too.

  
  

  Strange days, huh?

  
  

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  Next year I'm going to be Hacksaw Jim Duggin for Halloween. Buying a two by four and wearing ripped jeans will be infinitely cheaper than sporting body paint and some erotically tight shorts.

  
  

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  Back to when I was nine. Yeah, so I flirted with this girl by spewing insults at her and giving the thumbs up and screaming 'Ho!' every so often. She really hated me.

  
  

  We were in some kind of day camp(Cameron House?). I remember on movie night, she had friends and I didn't. I sat alone because I deserved it. Face it, I was a prick. And the only thing that has changed since then is that I'm a bigger prick, and not even in the department that I wish it to be.

  
  

  While I sat alone and watched the girl of my dreams watch a movie, I realized that I wanted to be a movie. She was smiling at the movie when I so wanted her to smile at me.

  
  

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  There was this other time when I was little that is embarassing. A girl said that she liked me and I blushed and smiled like an idiot. I said 'gross' or something, but I couldn't stop my cheeks from reddening or the corners of my mouth from going north.

  
  

  But that was before Hacksaw. When I hear stuff like that now, I just yell 'Ho!' and point my thumb to the sky.

  
  

   

  • 9:36 am
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