November 9, 2004

• Get me a tv for Christmas, damn it.

  
  

  http://www.FreeFlatScreens.com/?r=1167953

  
  

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  Fifty-two degrees and foggy. I guess I got my wish.

  
  

  I guess I should have wished for a bajillion dollars and a blow job, but that's retrospect for you.

  
  

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  In order to insure an excursion next weekend, I will need to make a plan. This thing where I just wake up and mope around for a bit is getting tiresome. It also allows my cousin, who will be referred to as 'that hairy asshole', to ask me for help.

  
  

  For example, this weekend, I helped that hairy asshole hang some drop ceiling and put up some 'rock. That's sheet rock, not crack rock. We got rid of that shit weeks ago.

  
  

  The ceiling would have gone faster if two things had not happened. First, it would have been great if that hairy asshole bought the right size panels the first time he went to Home Depot. Second, it would have been great if I did not fall off of the ladder.

  
  

  Especially since I was between fifteen to eighteen feet upwards from ground level.

  
  

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  Luckily, I didn't land on my back. Instead I landed on my side. I think I fucked up my shoulder, though. It's the right one, the one I usually use to tackle people.

  
  

  Funny thing is even though it hurt, I wanted to keep working. Maybe the weather had an effect on me. Something felt good about minor construction on a sunny, breezy day and I was pretty productive. If school had been like this everyday, I would have been solving algorithms and shit at MIT by the age of ten instead of picking my nose and eating my boogers.

  
  

  Man, that shit was salty.

  
  

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  I don't need another fucking injury. And I sure as hell don't need to spend more time with that hairy asshole. On Saturday, I'm just going to drive north. Just north.

  
  

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  I once heard a maid of honor at a wedding say, "We were born sisters, but chose to be friends." She went on to talk about shopping. What kind of stupid shit is that? Shopping? Your sister gets married and the best thing you can come up with is shopping?

  
  

  I once heard a best man at a wedding say, "We been through some good times, and we been through some bad times." What kind of inappropriate shit is that? Why is that so many Asians use cliches during important ceremonies?

  
  

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  And why the hell do best men talk about their own relationships with the groom and not about the couple? Quite frankly, it's really gay.

  
  

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  My understanding of this makes me a prime candidate for best man-ship. If anyone is serving prime rib at a wedding in north Texas on Saturday or Sunday, please leave a comment on this page.

  
  

  I will deliver a moving speech about the first time you guys touched lips, penis, and vagina and bring with me fifty-two degrees and an ominous fog.

  
  

  My fee is travel expenses, one blow job*, and at least three slices of prime rib. I would like that rare, please.

  
  

  *must be performed by female of appropriate age and skill level.

  
  

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  Last night I ate at Chino's Chinese Fast Food(I shit you not) with my--I mean that--hairy asshole and his buddy from out of town. The guy came to buy a car from a female friend. That hairy asshole and I have a suspicion that there might have been some extra services rendered. It's sad because it's written all over the guy's face. What a sucker. Even if he didn't get any, I'm pretty sure he flew here expecting it. I mean, he's paying for it, right?

  
  

  Ten days from now he's going to hate himself for flying half way across the country for some nookie and a machine that eats gas. He won't be able to forget about it either. People don't really forget stupid things. It's retrospect, man, and this time it's in the form of a used car.

  
  

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  My point is I better start thinking with some foresight, you know? Avoid this negative retrospect shit at all costs. Like, I hope next time I can say, "I'm glad I didn't bang that flea bag tranny from Bangkok," instead of how I say, "Dude, I'm itchy because of that horse lady in Bangkok."

  
  

  In retrospect, I hate myself and that horse lady.

  • 10:08 am
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