November 17, 2004
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No muffins and no whiskey. Just gouda and an apple.
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I've got a cousin in Taiwan who has become a crack head. His two baby mamas have left him and he has resorted to stealing. My parents had to put their passports in a safety deposit box because this asshole can't keep his sticky fingers away from anything.
The crazy part of this equation is his oldest kid. Little Fucker is eight years old and stealing money from relatives. His teacher called his aunt and asked two questions:
1) Why does this little fuck have $1000NT($30 US) in his pocket?
2) Why is this fucker treating all his classmates to lunch?
Can you believe this shit? I have to admit that when I heard about this tears started welling up in my eyes. Little Fucker already knows how to make himself look good on someone else's dime.
I'm shipping his ass here and hiring him as soon as I put all of my belongings in a safety deposit box.
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My family in Taoyuan is pretty ghetto. Everything is falling apart now that grandma has left. I think I need to move over there and kick some ass. Kind of like The Rock in Walking Tall. I love that movie. A lot of great moments in cinema there.
If I had grown up or lived in Taoyuan I'd either be a pimp or loan shark right now. I probably wouldn't be on xanga and I sure as hell wouldn't be eating gouda. Night would be the only time you saw me on the streets. I'd be wearing a fedora with slippers and no socks. You would also fear me because of my long pinky nail/ass scratcher/ear picker/coke sniffer that is sharp enough penetrate your eye.
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I have been seriously considering adopting Little Fucker. Apparently stealing is the least of what he does. He hits his grandmother and has hit my grandmother. Cussing is normal for him and lying is the only language he knows.
I can see he's smart though. He lied to my mom, telling her that the $1000NT came from his crack head dad. Look at that, he already knows his dad has no credibility and knows how to shift the blame. I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying it's smart.
Cussing I can stand. I might have a problem with the hitting, especially since I like to hit back with aluminum bats.
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All kidding aside, I wonder what this kid would be like with a father figure. I know I'm only twenty three, but Little Fucker really has no one else. Considering his situation, he might need a big brother to slap him upside his head every once in a while.
Considering my situation, I wouldn't mind a son for a punching bag. Kidding.
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Not that he would be able to start school right away, but Royal Oaks' school district sucks ass. Yes, I was looking up school districts so just shut up. I'm just as lame as you assholes will be.
By the time he can go to school I'll be in San Francisco, Los Angeles, or a little place I like to call Hell. Did you know I have always had a dream where I die when I'm 29 or so? I get a lot of dreams that actually happen, sometimes taking place a few years down the line. I've always assumed that 2010 might be that year I go to Hell.
But maybe if I adopt this kid, I can send him there in my place.
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I still can't get over him treating his buddies to lunch. That shit is too funny. I'm not sure I had that much playa in me when I was eight years young to do something like that. Fuck, I don't have it in me now.
I have this image of an eight year old pimp sitting in a cafe surrounded by friends. He looks tired and smokes cigarettes. "This game is to be sold, not be told," he says as he puts on his fedora and rises to leave. A particularly fat kid who is his right hand man just nods and echoes, "You right. You right."
They shuffle their slippers and leave.
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Bounny likes to use her pinky nail to clear out her ears. Help to put something back in them.
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If you don't want me to adopt that kid then help me adopt a television. I might even give you my real phone number so that you can come over and visit it.
http://www.FreeFlatScreens.com/?r=1167953
Comments (10)
yeah man, i hear you. it's crazy what kind of shit kids these days do. My little bro is like that. He actually searched the entire house to steal my grand theft auto game . . . that is some pathetic stuff. You wanna have my bro too? He's 15 so you can kick his ass all you want lol.
P.S. Those hearts were wussie, i was just too lazy to ditch 'em hehehe They're gone now though -_-
o man ... those kids worry me ... if my sister turns out like dat u would see me running and hiding in fear ... sorri to hear that ...
i duno if ur ready to adopt o_o ...
adopt this kid and put his ass to work. anything you offer him will be better than what he's got now. but smack him a few times for your granny.
ryc:you just got someone on their way to getting laid pal.
Your writing never lets me down. Always funny yet insightful.
...hey, slap that kid upside the head for me when you see him. And NO, don't use that aluminum bat.
lol.. how cute! yah it's bad that he's stealing money.. but hey.. at least he's nice enough to treat all the kids to lunch. it's kinda like a oxymoron.
1,000NT can go a long way.
The trick to stealing money is that you don't want to take all $20s from a roll of bills but rather mix and match so that the roll is only missing 1 $20, 2 $10 and 2 $5s. Then it's like nothing was missing at all.
Adopt the kid, send him to Maury Povich so those freakin' drill sergeants have their way with him.
hey, havent heard from you in awhile. how are things?
so you admit that gouda is for simps.
Speaking of pussies, you referred to me as being "easy"
All I can say is if rocks had pussies, I'd have a rock collection.
Hey, when you ship him over here, really ship him. I mean put the little fuckers ass in a crate and toss it on a cargo ship bound for the good ol' U.S. Of course, you'll have to supply him with food, you could get rid of that gouda and apples.
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