November 22, 2004

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  I could tell you about my weekend, but then I'd have to kill you.

  
  

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  Did I ever mention that I adore talking to rednecks? It's one of the guilty pleasures I indulge while living in Texas. Most people I know would be suprised to what you can learn from a redneck. The secret is you need to know what to listen to and what not to.

  
  

  For example, listening to a story about snape hunting has got to be one of the most hilarious things anyone on earth can hear. Typed words don't do snape hunting justice, so your life will remain dull, humorless, and ultimately lifeless just like mine. Oh wait, you guys probably have xanga meetings and make lots of sex.

  
  

  Of course there are certain things you do not want to pay attention to when conversing with a redneck. You know that inbreeding thing everyone makes fun of them about? Well, there's a Joe Bob I know who keeps telling me about a singular certain girl. She just got married and he paid for the wedding. First, he told me she was his niece, so I was truly heartwarmed that a niece could have such a generous uncle.

  
  

  This weekend, she was introduced to me as his daughter. I was really shocked and had this flashback to the scene in Chinatown. You know, the scene where Jack Nicholson bitch slaps Faye Dunaway for being a dirty dirty dirty person and sleeping with him after being a dirty dirty dirty person. You get the picture?

  
  

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  One of the coolest things about my job is I get to meet some interesting people with crazy businesses. I have a potential client who deals with grenades, coil rope, robots, and other inventions geared towards use for the armed forces. All products are made one hundred percent in the U.S. to insure other countries will not have them even though most of this industry's products are based on Israeli designs.

  
  

  The crazy part about talking to him is he will start to mention a new project he is working on and abruptly stop, smile, and say, "Damn, I just remembered. I could tell ya, but then I'd have to kill ya." I know it's just a cheesy line from Top Gun, but I'm sure he gets a plethora punani from it. If I had a vagina I'd be pregnant right now.

  
  

  Anyway, I mentioned to him 'that shotgun thing' I shot video footage for and he is really interested. I figure if I am already milking his money for collateral, I can make more money by having him sell off a stupid --I mean-- very essential product.

  
  

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  I watched a video Mr. Bombs Away gave me and I couldn't stop cracking up. It was clearly amatuer night in every way. The video's production is crummy, which is to be expected. What I didn't expect was to spend my Saturday night watching a bunch of grown up retards running around the woods and throwing grenades at each other. They were hollering insults and having a grand old time.

  
  

  To be perfectly honest, it looked like LARPing.*

  
  

  *If you don't know what LARPing is, look up LARP on google. It's worksafe and hilarious. At least to me it is.

  
  

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  Have you ever passed out for fifteen consecutive hours? It's a weird feeling, no?

  
  

  Because you have to pee and you're thristy as hell. While urinating in the toilet, you end up drinking a bottle of water that was left on the nightstand. If you were a monkey you'd just pee in your mouth, but you're not a monkey. You're an inefficient human being unwilling to pee in your mouth.

  
  

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  I'm really looking forward to today because it brings me closer to Thanksgiving at home in San Francisco. Still trying to decide whether or not I should go to the Niner game. Maybe they'll win. Who am I kidding? Them winning is as likely as you peeing in your own mouth.

  
  

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  If any of you know what pee tastes like, please don't tell me. I'd rather talk to a redneck.

  
  

  That being said, I would like to know what people think pee tastes like. Personally, I believe you are what you drink. Don't know about you, but my piss has a distinct odor after I drink coffee, alcohol, blood, whatever. So I figure if you drink too much grapefruit juice, your piss has got to be bitter as fuck.

  
  

  I eat a lot of pineapples. If pineapples do anything for piss like they do for the love sauce then something tells me you're going to love the way I taste.

  
  

  And while we're talking about culinary delights, the McRib is back and yummier than ever.

  
  

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  You know what I like more than the McRib and talking about the delectable flavors of urine? Playing X-box on a screen larger than ten inches, that's what. Ten inches is not big enough. Trust me, I know. It's my penile length and I've heard plenty of complaints. But I eat enough pineapples to compensate.

  
  

  Come by my place to eat pineapples and play X-box.

  
  

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  tehgimp needs a testicle transplant. Seriously.

  
  

   

  • 11:26 am
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