November 23, 2004

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  A plan so crazy it just might work...I'm scheming.

  
  

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  Way back in the day when I was under five feet tall, I came across some pornography by accident. It was around Christmas time and pay-per-view forgot to scramble the humping channel. I saw a black guy in a Santa hat plugging away at a black girl. From that day on, I knew I wanted to make movies.

  
  

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  Way back in the day when I was barely four feet tall, my Dad took me to the movies for the first time. We saw Lady & the Tramp. You think it's sweet, but I though it was funny because my Dad farted twice. From that day on, I wanted to fart in public.

  
  

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  I am currently working on a screenplay that is giving me actual physical headaches. Trying to write down drama and create some meaning behind it is tough for me.

  
  

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  Most of my friends know that I am a strange guy. I may say one thing and feel another. It's not that I'm a hypocrite. Not entirely.

  
  

  In my day to day real life, I am emotionally detached, boring, juvenile, and very retrospective. There is nothing I would rather do than think about how stupid of a kid I was and how nothing really has changed. I also try to avoid responsibility and moral dilemmas like the plague, but end up in odd situations. I laugh at fart jokes as much as I ever did.

  
  

  I love tense, dramatic movies. My all time favorite movies are A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and The Killer. The first is about a struggling family that pits real life versus dreams. I know most people like the action in the second movie, but it's the cheesy brotherhood that gets to me. Yes, there are much better movies, but because I saw these when I was young and stupid, they stay with me.

  
  

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  So I'm trying to write a movie in the vein of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and Paris, Texas. That's the mood I'm going for and I know it won't sell. Of course, I am simultaneously working on a different commercially acceptable script, but this one is where the heart is. This one right here giving me headaches.

  
  

  Isn't it funny how the more realistic movie is harder to make or sell than the crime/action movie that defies logic?

  
  

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  I really detest most pornographic movies today. Mostly because I am not in them when I know I deserve to be.

  
  

  If I were in porno movies, I would change lives in this world. Most men would gain instant confidence after watching the way I do what I do. My acting style in a porno could be likened to a hyena. Trust me, you ain't heard noises sounding like anything I can make. I'd also make sure to be an early popper.

  
  

  The actresses wouldn't even be able to fake orgasms. They'd just sit there with a frowning smile surrounding a burnt out cigarette. Half way through, they'd pick up a tv guide or just plain leave to use the restroom. Women would start to feel better about themselves because these girls would be fat, have loads of acne, crazy fucked up teeth, and maybe hairy nipples.

  
  

  My on-screen persona will make real life couples feel sexually sophisticated because my signature line would involve farting in the middle of a scene, looking directly into the camera, winking, and reciting, "My dad taught me to do that."

  
  

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  I must stress, for the sake of my own future sex life, that my on-screen persona is different from my real personality. I'm awesome in bed. Especially if you have an affinity for farting hyenas.

  
  

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  Want to see my on-screen persona?

  
  

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  At least I don't look like this guy. I'd kill myself.

  
  

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  I'm checking out of my xanga room until next week. Take care of it for me. Don't forget to lock the doors and change the music every once in a while. No smoking and for heaven's sake no humping on the bed or ironing board. If you order porno I will kick your ass. Be good and remember to flush twice after diarrhea. The toilet is kind of weak.

  • 10:31 am
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