June 27, 2005
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While Tom Cruise has clearly become insane, I have gained so much sanity in the past month. Work seems to be going well and I think my health is back to normal. I ain’t eaten a deep fried object in weeks. I’m also shitting twice a day.
Strange. I haven’t really advertised that I’m back, but it seems people I want to know that I am back in SF don’t know and people I would not like to know that I’m back know.
The weddings Kinky and I have been to are lessons in how not to do a wedding. Here’s a big no-no that more and more people are doing: providing a small bottle of cognac at every table. Assholes (like me) might finish a bottle and point to their table mates and say, “Y’all didn’t get any?” From there, a prick (like me) might seek the designated driver’s table’s cognac. Except that bastard (that would be me) decides to stop by every table on the way back to his table to have shots with strangers.
So yes, I got drunk. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Right? Well…..
I tend to fuck around when I’m sober, so you can imagine what I’m like when I’ve had a few too many. Don’t know about any of you, but when I’m drunk, I become quite the linguist. Cantonese, Vietnamese, Spanish, French; I speak none of these languages.
But I do when I’m drunk.
While Kinky is buying some watermelon juice at Sweet Delite on Clement Street, I’m half passed out in the passenger seat. I hear this stacatto rhythm that I can only place as Cantonese. So I yell out the window, “Wo hai bingo ah? Gong gong gong,” and start laughing out of amusement from my jibberish.
The girls I yelled at weren’t so amused. They say something about not understanding Cantonese and tell me they’re Vietnamese. So I ask, “What the hell are two Vietnamese chicks are doing on Clement Street, shouldn’t y’all be working the streets in TL?”
And that’s when they tell me they’re actually guys and ask me if I wanna get fucked up? Except it sounds more like, “We guy, man, y’know? You wun get fut up, min? Fut up? You bet sut up. Sut up.” Which makes me laugh because I have soft spots for accents and people who repeat words and phrases. Like that guy who used to do those inane ‘How ya doin’, how ya doin’? McDonald’s commercials.
I’m not a fighter, but I’m a dickhead. So I bust out the all Vietnamese I know, which is nearly all jibberish.
“Dieu nam nam noi. Bau mau mau. Dong ma.”
The looks on their faces are incredulous. They shake their heads and decide to quit wasting time with a drunk bastard. That really got me thinking. There aren’t any dong ma (Vietnamese) guys who would stand for the shit I just did. I’ve seen a guy in Little Saigon get fucked up for taking a parking space. And he signaled for it first. He even had right of way. This civility on this night was kind of weird.
Makes me wonder if I was talking to Swiss tourists or something. But before I can get out of the car to hunt them down and ask, Kinky gets back into the car. She says something about a drunk guy yelling out in the streets. Had the whole store laughing. I roll up my window, do a ‘oh really’, and sober up.
Anyways, I hope my friends and family stop serving cognac at their weddings. I might get my ass kicked.
Dieu nam nam noi.
Comments (14)
i’d serve you two bottles, eddie the echo.
nice story
open bars are the best thing at wedding. if it weren’t for the liqour, i weren’t go to weddings at all.
the other day i wondered if maybe you were dead. apparently not. well, that’s always good to know.
i haven’t been to a wedding with alcohol since i was a flower girl since my brother’s wedding, sometime in the 80s. i was too young to go for the open bar at that one, but i do remember my dad during the toast, something about my brother being a very “sponttthaneous man.” i’m not quite sure what relevance that has to your story, but i think there’s a lesson to be learned here: be glad you’re not making any drunken toasts, because people videotape that shit.
You always remind me of my ex. one time he threw an empty propane tank off the back deck.
YES, Viet weddings are something to behold. Did they serve pigeon there? Last Viet wedding reception I went to, they served pigeon but had it under the guise of some fancy name. Didn’t fool me. Ha!
the food looks damn good ….
i can totally understand wut happened … some of those fobby asian guys look like girls … and a lot of them skinnier den me … its gay … literally ….
hahhhaha haha.
you’re not special.
Holy cow, those noodles look good!! HAHAHHAAH what in the world. This entry is so funny. You’re so good and writing asian languages down. hahahah! I had to read this aloud to get the full effect and then I couldn’t stop laughing. Am I horrible?
hey. long time no type, eh? hope all is well.
It was So good to read your cheekie assed self again..Your warped sense of humour always makes me laugh..I must be nuts *wink*
that’s pasta pomodoro isn’t it?
hahahhaha
my brother in law is the manager of the pasta p in roseville, ca
wut up buddy..u back in cali or wut? i’ll come visit when u send me a plane tix hehe…jk…well not really..