A friend of a friend is going to Japan today, so we all met up last night to bid him farewell. OffToJapan isn't really a good friend of mine, and I don't understand how I keep getting invited to these things. To be honest, I don't think the rest of his crew likes me very much. My jokes go either unheard or fall flat. Actually, a couple times last night, one or two people would hear a crack I made and re-use it for themselves.

Hey, sometimes you fit in and sometimes you sit there and glare at people.

My social skills have been pretty bad lately. Although I am not much of a dancer, I do pick my nose as if no one is looking. I also keep having these enormously inappropriate erections.

I joined Facebook because The GF wanted me to look at pictures from the wedding. Damn. I am one ugly motherfucker. Not that I thought I was handsome, but I never thought I was ugly. But you know what? I am ugly.

Maybe ugly is a bit strong. It's just that I look like a mix between a 16 year old's undeveloped body and a 30 year old's stressed out face. Oh wait. That is ugly.

I went to a wedding. It had some miserable moments, and I'm not sure if the couple is even happy. Whatever. Wasn't my fault. That's for them to deal with. What I have gathered from the last few weddings I have been to is that social manners and graces have pretty much disappeared. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. A wedding should be a celebration, and informal celebrations are always just as good as formal ones. But here are a couple of things I do not like:

1. People who do not look me in the eye while shaking my hand. Motherfucker, don't shake my hand in the first place. I'll use less Purell.
2. Tip the bartender even if it's an open bar. I felt so bad for the last bartender that I slipped him a twenty after my third drink.
3. Don't know the bride and groom? Thank and congratulate them, moron.
4. Leaving early? Thank and congratulate the bride and groom, fuckface.

Is it me, or do birthday cakes taste better than most wedding cakes?

My girlfriend not only dragged me to a wedding, but also oyster, uh, rummaging. Okay, I have no fucking clue what you call it, but we ended up with three dozen oysters. My balls turned so blue in the frigid water that I pissed out Blueberry Icee for a few hours. It sucked, but everyone else enjoyed it.

Anyways, to backtrack and confuse you, we had to go to a Fred Meyer before raping the oyster beds because we did not have a shovel (for clams) or a permit. While my girlfriend took care of those two items, I decided to get a pair of shorts and some cheap flip flops. After realizing the role reversal of her getting tools and hunting permits and me buying clothes, I became extremely uncomfortable with myself. It didn't last long because my new flip flops sported a checkerboard pattern WITH skulls that had flames coming out of their eyes. My girlfriend rolled her eyes while I used a total of thirteen dollars to buy ugly shorts, cool flip flops, and an overwhelming sense of manliness.

Mexicans call that shit machismo.

at&t Park has pretty good views.

The hair on the neck, for example, feels like it's right in front of you.

I'll stitch a pano later.

Talking to my friend during the Home Run Derby and I realize how old I've gotten. Even though she's older, she's still having fun. I've been working like a dog lately because I'm trying to buy a house and planning to settle down soon. And then, it happened.

I unveiled some fart stories, allowing my inner child to run around stupid.

When I was a kid, my Dad would take me to the Wherehouse to buy cd's. There wasn't really an internet yet and I didn't have any fucking money. So my Dad, being a good Dad, always bought some NWA cd for me. Anyway, so I was looking at some god awful Special K album when I noticed my Dad in the aisle in front of me. His torso jutted forward, which meant only one thing.

When he farts, his body braces itself a moment before the fart. It's actually pretty dramatic because his torso juts forward suddenly. And then he let's the horns blow, usually extremely fucking loudly. He follows suite this time just as he usually does and lets one rip in the middle of the Wherehouse.

What's really great about this particular episode is the eight year old kid standing directly behind my Dad's ass. In just one second, the kid's face goes from "oh look, a Sesame Street cd" to blank recognition of the sound of a fart to terrifie. The kid started to wave his hand at his nose and ran away yelling, "Stinky!"

I was laughing so hard that my Dad gave me a high five. My Dad, being a great Dad, farts in public.

Yes, I can fart as loud as my Dad. But, I prefer sneak attacks in public. One time, the gf and I are at Ikea. I start to get a bit of a stomach ache, but decide to walk it out. Well, it didn't work all that well. So I sat on a chair and laid a ninja fart. And then, I had the best idea that I have EVER come up with.

"Hey, this chair is comfy. Come sit on it and try it," I say as I offer the seat to her. She sits down oblivious. She smiles for a second because the chair really is comfy. And then her face goes from "wow, this is comfy" to blank recognition of an aroma to terrified to pure hatred.

I was laughing so hard that she started giving me high fives to my face.

Gunpowder Gin Gimlet with Cayenne: Fantastic. Served in the proper (read: small) proportions.

Butter Lettuce with grapefruit and some kind of fancy sour vinaigrette: Um...no.

Roasted Half Chicken with a side of seasonal vegetables: Chicken was awesome. The vegetables tasted like they were prepared in a can of vinegar and salt. Get the mashed potatoes.

Berkshire Pork with Oyster Hash: Fall off the bone tender even though there is no bone. The hash reminds me of fried rice as there are no oysters in it.

Raspberry Tart with Vanilla Parfait: I usually don't like desserts, but I like them here because they're not too sweet.

The Presidio Social Club has this really strange vibe. They serve comfort food at uncomfortable prices. Most of the patrons here are middle aged professionals who want to still be young. None of them seem like regulars, though. Just want to be seen. The staff is young and pretty stuck up. Place fills up at 8. I'd go back for the drinks for sure, but it's just too weird a place.

Presidio Social Club

What are you guys doing for July 4th? Usually, I would go shoot fireworks and make an ass out of myself. But now that I'm older and not quite as fast a runner, I think I'll just go make an ass out of myself without any explosives.

I think I'll just get in line to see Transformers. Can't wait to make fun of the people wearing Transformer costumes and what not. Those people are such geeks. I'll wear my Decepticon t-shirt, though. It's so fucking cool. I just hope some dude dressed up like Optimus Prime will try to start some shit with me. I'd so shoot him with a laser.

A laser of scalding hot piss.

I need a vacation, man. A short weekend will suffice.

You know what? I need to take a shit.