November 10, 2004

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  I’ve been shooting around at the community basketball court lately. It’s empty, but I’ve got no time for games anyway. So I just shoot around and enjoy my newly reacquired ability to swish the ball. For some odd reason, I do this much better with someone around, meaning I drag my cousin along with me.

  
  

  He’s terrible. The ball always bounces off of the rim or back board, landing in the grass area. It’s a pain, but he enjoys it. He’s the one paying for the association fee and he might as well put the dollars to use by embarassing himself.

  
  

  Me, I just stand back and flow. I enjoy every minute of it. Especially considering I tend to fart when active. I like to fart almost as much as I like to make baskets.

  
  

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  I like to scare the white neighbors. They sometimes find me in the streets of Royal Oaks doing Kung Fu forms for no good reason other than to fart. When they drive by, they carefully manuver around me hoping I don’t crescent kick their fenders off. It’s empowering as an Asian to know that expensive cars and their drivers are scared of me.

  
  

  The best part is that I really don’t know that much choy lay fut. I took maybe two years of it, but I can make it look good. One time an old white lady asked what I was doing. I answered solemnly and looked off into a distance. ‘There is someone on Wu Dan mountain who killed my father. I must avenge his death to reach enlightenment.’

  
  

  My rep on the streets of Royal Oaks is starting to show. People pointed at me during the block party. They said I was the crazy kid who has to kill my father’s murderer and described me as the one eating all of the deviled eggs.

  
  

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  If you and me got into a fight, I would win. My strategy is to destroy your balls. I’m not just talking about the testicle variety. I go for eyes and ball and socket joints. Beware of me, man, because I’m the Enlightened One from Royal Oaks and I have a rep.

  
  

  My only weakness is deviled eggs. It’s not that bad a weakness, though. You might be able to get a couple of good shots in, but I’d fart and the smell would kill you on contact.

  
  

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  I once wailed on a guy who kept making fun of my friend at a party. He was bigger than me, but I kicked the shit out of him. His friends just watched, amazed the whole time. Everyone left the party, though. Probably because I tried to make him smell my fart.

  
  

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  The secret to beating up white guys if you’re asian is pretty simple. You don’t really have to punch hard, just really fast and repetitively. White guys are slow and get confused easily. When confused, they freak out and start to either cover up or swing very hard and wildly. Smacking them in the balls won’t do anything because if you ask any girl who has dated a white guy they’ll tell you he doesn’t have any. Just keep swinging and you’ll be fine.

  
  

  Oh yeah, and don’t get tackled.

  
  

  If you are going to fight a latino guy, your odds go down. They’re faster than you. The only thing you can hope to do is outsmart them with some grade A tactics. I can’t tell you what those tactics are because I am dumber than most latino guys. The only thing I would do is kick them in the shin, run away, and find a german sheperd.

  
  

  If you are going to fight a black guy, you’re shit out of luck. I once saw a black friend of mine fighting off five or six chinese guys. He fucking waved at me while I drove by. I have no viable suggestions, except to kick them in the shin, run away, and find a german sheperd. Make sure it’s a german sheperd because those are police dogs. Pit bulls are a bad choice because they’re all over the ghetto.

  
  

  Regardless of who you fight and beat, you will have to make them smell your fart. It’s an unwritten rule, but it’s one you don’t want to forget. The last thing you want to happen is for people to laugh at you for not winning a fight the right way.

  
  

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  Don’t fight girls. They win instantly because they have boobs and those things are the ultimate distractions no matter what size. This applies to both genders. Admit it, you look at girls with small boobs just as much as ones with juggernauts.

  
  

  The Enlightened One from Royal Oaks does not admit to anything, though.

  
  

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  Oh yeah, no one has killed my dad, but I hope to get enlightened anyway:

  
  

  http://www.FreeFlatScreens.com/?r=1167953

  
  

   

  • 11:56 am
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