December 6, 2004

• 
  

  
  

  ---

  
  

  
  

  

  
  

  
  

  ---

  
  

  
  

  The Niners are absolutely pathetic for far too many reasons to name. What makes it worse is the false aura of a tradition of winning. Bay Area fans can blame ownership, the GM, coaches, or players all they want, but they should remember that the Niners were just as lousy in the seventies. We’re spoiled brats and need some perspective, kind of like what my ex-girlfriends who dated black guys learned.

  
  

  It’s one season, and if life is about balance, hold on tight for a few more.

  
  

  
  

  ---

  
  

  
  

  You know how in the movies there’s always one poker player who thinks he won the hand and starts to grab the pot but then he actually loses. Well, I have one of those stories.

  
  

  I had fifteen thousand dollars worth of chips on the table when the turn lit up an ace. I already had two in the hole, and with two kings showing on the flop, I was in a pretty good situation. My cousin is the only other player left and I raise him another five thousand to see if he’s game. He raises me and I raise him and he says fuck it, all in and drops thirty thousand.

  
  

  I call, we river and he prematurely celebrates. He’s got a flush spades, ace high and he starts grabbing the chips. So I stop his ass and ask isn’t a full house higher than a flush? His eyes froze and I started cracking up. What a dumb shit. He was so embarassed.

  
  

  Luckily we were only playing with chips, because his daughter’s college fund would be at nil.

  
  

  
  

  ---

  
  

  
  

  I would be such a good performer on the World Series of Poker or whatever. I mean the other players would definitely rape me for my money, but I’m sure I could liven things up by upending the table and bitch slapping the announcers with brass knuckles.

  
  

  I’d also be playing in the buff, ensuring an extensive audience of horny females and gay men will watch when I do my trademark karate chop to the groin.

  
  

  
  

  ---

  
  

  
  

  One of the first times I played poker it was of the strip persuasion. I lost within fifteen minutes and I wish I could say I did it on purpose. It was not on purpose and I would have rather seen her naked because she seemed disappointed in what I displayed and offered. In those days before puberty, I was young and pathetic like the Niners. I like to blame it on a lack of puberty, but it’s really those damn black guys.

  
  

  Now a days I’m still waiting for puberty to end, but I think I score better than the Niners. I have much more to offer these days and I always make sure she is naked first.

  
  

  
  

  ---

  
  

  
  

  Actually I think I hit puberty in the fifth grade. That’s when I had to start shaving and my voice got deep. Over the phone I sounded like an old man and whenever I called a friend who was a female and her mom or dad answered I’d get a hesitant response.

  
  

  When I clearly identified myself the parent would sigh a sigh of relief and explain to me that I sounded like a dirty old man. And then he or she would remember that I was that kid in school who ran around naked and karate chopped people in the groin. Needless to say I got hung up on a lot and to be perfectly honest, not much has changed.

  
  

  
  

  ---

  
  

  
  

   

  • 5:36 pm
  • 23 Comments