February 3, 2005

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  I wear gay t-shirts because your girlfriend wants to lay me.

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  I was having a conversation with SueTalksTooMuch(during oral sex) over AIM today and realized I should apologize to many people I have encountered, threatened, insulted, and scarred. Before I do that, I would like to thank the person who taught me to write ‘blank, blank, blank, and blank’ rather than ‘blank, blank, and blank’ because four is more artistic than the utilitarian three.

  Combining four things together instead of three is just one of my many bad habits. While I will not divulge into my heroin problem, I will apologize to the following four people…*

  *I am using an ellipsis because it is more omninous even though this entry calls for anticipation.

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  I was pretending to relax in a pool in Taiwan during the summer I was twelve years old although I was in fact peeing in the pool. While I relieved my bladder a boy much younger than me blocked my view of a pretty girl. I asked him to move, but the little bastard didn’t.

  My immaturity at the time embarasses me now that I am a mature adult. I flicked off the little bugger. His response, however, was an action that a good many of you may think is cute. He flicked me off! A smile overcame my face. As I got out of the pool I considered shaking this young boy’s hand. The moxie on this kid was something to encourage.

  Alas, he proved to be a little punk. He then flicked me off with ever single finger he had. It was painfully obvious that he did not understand that showing me his other fingers made him look like a dumb ass. And if you think he is cute, well, you probably think fucking a tortoise is comfortable. (It’s not.)

  Nevertheless, it is I who should be most embarassed.

  I apologize for not beating the living shit out of him and tearing out his fingers so that I can shove them up his dick hole. Now, I’m older and wiser and know that if I ever encounter another dumb kid like that he’s losing every finger except for his two longest ones. Moxie, it’s something that needs to be encouraged.

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  I was on my high school’s Speech and Debate Team. Don’t worry, I’ll pause here until you stop laughing.

  Done? Good. Because this is a good time to tell you that if your girlfriend was on a Bay Area high school’s Speech and Debate Team, then chances are I stole her virginity. Additionally, if your name is Peter or Cypherningya, you’re just a substitute and a poor attempt to relive her past.

  Anyway, on the bus home from a tournament, a kid sitting towards the back of the bus was annoying me. I was up front trying to sleep while this kid made unusually high pitched noises to pretend he was a little girl. Initially, I politely yelled across the bus and asked him to ‘shut the fuck up.’ He didn’t and I was unable to sleep at all.

  When we got to our coach’s house, I decided to confront him. I told him ‘I’m going to kick your faggot ass.’ When he asked why I think I started to reach out to choke him but a friend stopped me. So I responded with ‘Because you act like a silly little bitch you fucking faggot’ or something to that effect. I went on to threaten him some more and to call him ‘faggot’.

  I apologize for calling him a faggot because faggots would be upset if I lumped him into their group and also because I did not mean to insinuate that I was going to kick his ass because he was a faggot. I am older and wiser now and realize that I do not discriminate. I will kick anybody’s ass regardless of sexual orientation, race, gender, level of mental handicap, etc.

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  I got pissed at my dorm mate in college because he tried to intimidate my girlfriend. After yelling at him, he calmly explained that he was upset that I had not asked if it was okay if she spent the night in our room. Even then, I could see the validity of his point, showing my lack of intelligience during my days of higher learning. I hate to admit this, but I calmed down.

  He went on and said ‘I thought we were friends.’ I responded with ‘We’re roommates.’ Judging by the look on his face, I hurt his feelings a little bit. What a wuss.

  Looking back as an older and wiser person now, I don’t think I should apologize for anything. But, I do have to thank him for helping me to learn that I cannot live with roommates(although house/apartment mates are fine) and that some guys are emotional.

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  For this last one, I am just going to apologize for real. I once shot an acquaintance below the eye from point blank range with a bb gun. Dude, I am sorry for laughing in your face right when I did it, but that shit was funny as hell. At least you could still see.

  It’s funny even now because the last time I saw him he seemed a little blinder. I didn’t check, but his palms might be hairier.

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  • 1:42 am
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